Meaning?
by Chaz01
Summary: Just read it, it is short, I can't think of an intro right now. It's about allenby and her life before Domon


Nightmares  
  
authors notes: what up G's . This will be my 2nd post here. A couple of quick notes, first, I am kinda new to the series, so don't kill me if I screw up on some minor details. Seconds, I am a rather depressing, and harsh fellow, at least when I write. This will, hopefully, be a very bleak and upsetting story. If you don't like that type, don't read it, please. Finally, my spelling is horrible, sorry. This is before Allenby meets any of the Shuffal Alliance Well, here we go..... (Rated, PG,)  
  
PS, I think I will continue my other story, this I wrote before the other one...  
  
" I Distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,  
and each septet ember wrote it's ghost upon the   
floor"   
E.A. Poe, The Raven  
  
"I realized the upserdety of life, and then I felt noshes"  
Rana Decansart  
  
Her eyes shot open, and she came to serve the scene. Visions of the dream still echoing in the vast expanse in her soul. She had never slept well. As of late though, things were getting worse. As contuness, and reality, can harshly to her, all at once. It was like an all to blinding light, when one first wakes up.  
  
She surveyed her room, and felt it wasn't her's at all. It was their's, all the things in it were theirs.  
  
Am I their's? Is that all I am, just an object.  
  
She shook her head, hair bouncing from side to side, trying desperately to expel those thoughts. They came with more intensely then ever. She was haunted by that very question. What did it mean, to be human....  
  
She stirred, slowly at first, scared to disturb the room, then rose to her feet. The room was pitch black, but she knew her way by heart. She made her way to the door, feeling the need to escape, to be free of this hellish room. The only thing more barren then it's walls and shelves, was the soul that resided there.  
  
As the door opened, a breeze blew out of the night, and she took some comfort form it. She couldn't help but be reminded of herself, strong and intense, yet directionless. And she flet true companionship on it's genital caress, true kinship She stepped out into a beautiful swedish night, and thought:  
  
Is that all I am? Just a peace of the Bizzerker system? Am I just a part, to be used and then thrown away. How does one be human? I try so hard, to act natural. It's all an act though, it is all so meaningless.  
  
At that thought, she feel to her knees and wept. She hated herself for showing weakness, and hated herself for not showing her feelings. The only thing more sad then this scene, was the fact that not a soul in the world cared. Indeed, to see such a great soul, brought to her knees by the soulles ambitions of a nation to rule, was to much, for even the worst sinner, would have been moved.  
  
She had never truly had anyone. She had always been different, weird. She was the little girl you either overlooked, or mocked. And now, all that loneliness was catching up to her. It was the thought of winning that terrified her the most. Her whole life, her whole exsistance, was based on the soul concept of victory, but what happens if victory is achieved. Those she was closest to, those scientists, only were with her because of her quest, what happened when Author found the holy grail?  
  
So she was afraid. She was afraid to win, because if she one, she would loose everything she was attached to, even her stupid, plain, hellish room. She didn't want to be alone. She didn't ever want to have to endure the most cruel punishment of all, to watch others with each other, and no you can never have the bliss they share. To have to deal with the apathetic real world, alone.  
  
" What did I do that was so bad, so wrong," She asked a cruel and unsympathetic night, " Why do I get such punishment, what cry did I comet that was so horrid? Why am I here? To fight, is that it? IS that all that I am, is there nothing more? Why, God, Why?"  
  
The night has a odd way of comforting people, and it seemed to hide from Allenby, her own weakness. A weakness she would never let anyone else see. She acted happy, and frolicy and all that, to prevent people from knowing how inside, she bled from a gash in her soul. A gash, she feared, that would never leave her.   
  
That was why she had volunteered. Volunteered to go through the painful, 're-evolution' experiment. Volunteered to be the fighter. Volunteered to give herself entirely to her country. She had felt so alone, and had noted how everyone loved the G-Fighters, she wanted, needed, that. So, in one breath, she was given a purpose, a reason she never had to question, a justification of why she existed. She now stood on the verge of realizing their dream, and felt more empty then ever.  
  
She looked up into the night sky, and thought of her dead parents. She thought of her past, how much skill she had acquired. She thought of how she was now a force to be reckoned with, someone others spoke of with reverence and awe, and it all seemed so utterly meaningless. As Christ, once, so eloquently put it, 'what profit is it for a man to gain the whole world, but loose their soul?'  
  
"Allanby, you should be in bed, what are you doing?" The voice belonged to one of the Dr.'s on her team. He did genuinely care for her, but he was a true sceinetest, if it could be tested, proven, and easily referenced, then it didn't exist. This went fo his feelings to.  
  
" N-nothing, I was just– just- hot, my room is too hot." She said, she had turned away, so he couldn't see her tears, couldn't see her weakness. Her voice reflected an inhuman detachment from her life, as if she was little more then an observer, looking in.  
  
" Well, go to bed, tomorrow we leave for neo- Hong Kon, this is what we've wanted. You should try to sleep." He said, and although he cared, he didn't let a drop of emotion into his voice. He spoke with stoic apathy.  
  
" I Know, sorry." She said, meekly  
  
" Good night then" He turned and began to brickly walk away. A part of her soul cried out to him, 'don't leave me, I can't go any farther, I am so scared, I can't handle it, just stay with me.' But she restrained herself.   
  
After he was out of sight, Allenby got up slowly, and headed for another sleepless night in hell. Fearing more then death, achievement. And wondering why she lived such a worthless and cold life... 


End file.
